this fell out of me before i could stop it

I am in denial about Henry, the gestating boy. Every time people show surprise at how soon I'm due, I feel equally, maybe doubly, surprised. What? I'm pregnant? SILENCE. The fact of him doesn't seem to happen for me. It was the same with Eli. Perhaps all the somersaulting, colliding emotions just cause me to shut down, stare blankly and proceed mechanically.

I am comforted some by having done this once before a mere sixteen months ago. That comfort comes in the form of knowing a handful of things for sure.

1. Breastfeeding can be a traumatic and wildly painful act of love.
2. Sleep is not a human right anymore.
3. Somehow, despite all doubts, you just figure it out and do, do, do.

There is so much I don't know also. I was induced with Eli at 41 weeks. I wanted a c-section so that I could plan to have family around since Joe was not. I ignored all the warnings by the medical professionals about the cons of MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY. I was dead set on having Eli removed surgically. And so it was. I don't regret doing it that way but I don't hope for that again because there is so much I missed. I don't remember seeing Eli for the first time or even when I first breastfed or when I first held him. I was far too medicated to remember those details. That is unfortunate.

My first clear memory of Eli was waking up alone in the hospital bed and seeing him sleeping in the isolette next to me. I stared at him and wished more than anything that he looked familiar. When he eventually woke up crying, I went to reach for him but I had needles and bags of liquid attached to each arm so that I couldn't, without help, remove him from his isolette. Amidst some panicky movement on my part I also dropped the call button for the nurse. The only thing I could reach was a packet of binkies which I had sworn I wouldn't use. I wrestled the package open and reached as far towards him as I could which was good enough to give him his first binky.

Instead of watching Eli take like a champ to the binky I ached to hold him, sniff him and learn him. I might have cried but I don't totally remember that either. For Henry, I hope to be awake and feeling and present. But I've never done that and I'm scared which I don't like to be so instead I feel a bit shut down and, like I said, surprised that the due date is approaching. I console myself with mantras about how it's been done a billion times over and women survive but the unknown is a dark place no matter how many women have come through it safely and smiling.

Bubbling not so far below the surface is a giddiness too. The secret of the boy that is Henry will start to blossom on his birthday. Eli has taught me that birth is just the beginning of the unfolding of a boy, a life, a path, a story. My job, as far as I can tell,  is to stand by and marvel and do my best to get the more dangerous objects out of their paths.

Comments

[LadyBug Crossing]

Delivery... hmmm... By the time my two popped out I just wanted them out. They were both late - one 5 days the other 6. I didn't care how they got out. I was huge. I was ready. You will be ready, too. :-)
LBC

[Old Horsetail Snake]

Okay, kid, it is going to hurt, right? But this will pass and you will be very happy. So not to worry, okay?

[Marie]

Soon you will be marveling all over again! I can't wait to hear all about it!

I totally understand your fears about birthing after the C. I delivered my little guy surgically too... though I hadn't planned to. Either way, you still get the Grand Prize: HENRY!

Everything will be OK... Tom Petty was right -- The waiting IS the hardest part.

[raehan]

I understand everything you say here. Fortunately, time will make it all happen fears and all. And you are ready. I can tell.

[Lissi]

For me, my second C-section was a million times better than my first. I was fully coherent and actually felt great. Not having to labor made all the difference in the world. The reality of 'them' is something that I still struggle with, it still surprises me -- quite frequently-- that these are my kids, and they are here to stay.

[Angie]

I understand the fear of the unknown and I won't even try to explain about not being afraid. You are ready to do this, I can feel it in your words. Open your eyes and take in every moment and let the experience unfold for you like turning the pages of a book. You write the story.

[Melody]

Yes Merideth. I know EXACTLY what you mean. Even though I never went through the trauma(?) of a c-section, I know what you mean be kinda not knowing what to do. three days before Monet was born lyndon was involved in a work place incident which left his fellow work mate dead. He died instantly, not 2 meters away from Lyndon. So at the birth of Monet, Lyndon and I had a lot to deal with. He wasn't there alot during my stay in hospital - due to interviews with the police and a funeral to attend. Even with him there, he wasn't quite there.. if you know what I mean.

[carrie]

first, thanks for sharing that piece of your birth story; i'd never heard it and it was beautiful.

second, when i had avery, there were NO drugs in the vicinity of that birthing center, and the moments following his arrival are STILL a blur to me almost 14 months later! if there weren't photos around to remind me, i might not know that i looked like a heroin addict going through the DTs! however Henry decides to come out, i KNOW you can handle it. that auto pilot thing will just kick in, you know? you are in my dearest thoughts, friend. love you.