blame it on the rain

There's no earthly reason to summarize the list of self-inflicted wounds I've granted this here body of mine. As an older version of my same self, I get it and I also don't get it and sometimes I still even ache for that girl. And then some days that girl fits right back into my life and there I am biting my tongue to bits and loving, craving, needing each sting. The wisdom I have on this subject is fairly Hallmark and I'm satisfied with it. My take is that most of us handle stress and anger and frustration and disappointment in one of three ways. Sure there's crossover and other slants on the topic but I prefer to keep these boxes simple and neatly labeled.

1. People who push all their uglies out on those around them.

2. People who keep their uglies inside and punish themselves.

3. People who tackle their uglies and move onward and upward.

No need to get all dark and shadows on you. That's not my point exactly.

It's just that Eli is beginning to sort out which of the three camps he belongs to. So far he hasn't exhibited much in the way of being able to handle frustration or fear or anger in a balanced fashion. He tends to inflict pain on others or himself. While I'm at a loss for how to handle him when he pushes other smaller kids on the ground or gives a good unannounced swat to a stranger's face, I don't feel genetically or historically bound to it. But when he takes glass bottles and bangs them against his head or bites himself or intentionally runs into the glass window, then I feel exposed and responsible and shattered.

This he gets from me, I think.

He's so young yet I know. This is likely all a stage. And so and so on.

But this morning when he bent down like a triangle and repeatedly bounced his head off the floor because he couldn't get the lid back on the yogurt container, I cried from a faraway and hollow place. I snatched him up and snuggled him senseless and promised that I would do my best to guide him towards a healthier way to handle all the fast balls that come his way while I'm around. I have certainly learned some of that myself.

This is me three days past my due date. For the love of all things shiny and pink and light, I need less time to ponder my poor, over-extended belly button. Somebody tell me to get over myself.

But nicely. I cry easily these days.

Comments

[LadyBug Crossing]

As for the frustration Eli feels... All you can do is show him a more constructive way to deal. I know I feel like banging my head against the wall/floor sometimes.
Running into doors - I have one that does that, but not on purpose. She just can't help it. It just happens.
The pushing, hitting thing... oh my... Do I remember when. #1 Son spent many minutes in the naughty chair for that type of thing... He got one warning and then boom - time out. It works. Start now before the baby comes. He's old enough to begin to learn what's socially acceptable. Before you leave for the playground, playdate, whatever, simply tell him that if he hits, pushes whatever, he will go in time out. When he does it, follow through. Never ever give in. :-)
LBC

[carrie]

I cried reading your post! The image of that cute little man banging his head on the floor! How many times have we all felt like that? Difference is we are developed enough to know that would cause more hurt, and that there less painful ways to exhibit the frustration. Little Eli, as you know, is not. He will be, though, I'm sure. I say this with hope and some reassurance, knowing full well this situation will be on my doorstep not too long from now. ALl you can do, as you said, is teach him better ways, ways that you have learned from your experiences. Of course, when our parents did that, we didn't always listen, and I tend to think these boys of ours won't either, but they will get it eventually, just like we did. Life doles out plenty of knocks, doesn't it? Be kind to yourself, and Eli will be kind to himself. xoxoxo much, much love, carrie

[Raehan]

This was a very funny post. I won't make you cry.

That age is so hard because they're not talking yet. You can't talk them through or out of things. And you can't explain why they are in time out, if you put them in one.

The best way to deal with a tantrum is to walk away and turn your back (if it's safe). He'll figure out that it hurts and get over it.

Someday.

But you knew that

[Raehan]

But is he really running into glass windows?

Then ignore my assvice entirely.

[Mrs. S]

Just think about how much easier it will be when little Henry finally makes his appearance... Or, how much easier it ought to be, at least, the second time around.

I won't make you cry - I'm too busy trying to keep myself from bawling most of the time lately >.< - I'd link you some funny videos or something but I don't know about your comment rules. Email me if you want me to try to cheer you up ;)

[anne]

"I have no idea what you're talking about!" she replied with a hollow laugh. "No idea at all!" and then she dug the tissues out of her bag, and they sat on the couch, crying for the hurt girls they had been and the hurting boys they were suddenly confronted with. It was all very sad. Then they went and got ice cream. Ice cream headaches are also a kind of self-inflicted pain, but good!

[Marie]

Oh, we had a head banger... fortunately he seems to have moved past that & now just lays down on the floor and thrashes. I'd like to be able to do that myself now & then. I guess I could, but you know...

Hugs to you & to Eli... Soon you'll have your own independent belly buttons, you & Henry.

[bonnie]

Have him hold Trikonasana pose. We yell "Take triangle!" when frustration looms and then enjoy the return of self-control, balance, strength, and flexibility. Little boys (teenaged boys,too!) enjoy taking it to the mat, the yoga mat, that is.

Expectant mamas can ensure smoother and easier delivery and faster recovery after childbirth by holding Trikonasana or Triangle. Poses that put pressure on the abdomen and other difficult poses should not be done during advance stages of pregnancy. Never push yourself. Namaste!

http://www.abc-of-yoga.com/yoga-and-health/yoga-for-pregnancy.asp

[Melody]

At a young age there really is a big difference between boys and girls. I noticed this with my old Mother's Group. The boys would be all rough, knocking each other (or anything that got in their way), run into things etc., where as the girls all sit back and hold hands. True.

Little Eli will be alright. Monet throws a good tantrum these days - she's decided if she needs a point to be made she'll SCREAM so very, very, LOUDLY!!!! And the looks I get are totally something else. See, Monet screams, Eli bangs his head. A little girl. A little boy.

Still thinking of you and hoping Henry makes an apparence this weekend.

[raehan]

Did I tell you this is beautifully written? I think I failed to mention that.

It is.

[Chrissy]

Wait till, and hopefully not, your son starts inflicting pain on others. My son had a terrible biting problem. It made me feel like such a terrible mom. I totally blamed myself and being a member of your catagory #1.

[Angelina]

I don't know you or your son, I just found this site through "Her Able Hands" link, but your post is poignant to me.

I was category #2 in a pretty serious way, I still have the physical scars. so naturally, when my son was very little and took to biting himself and banging his head on things my blood ran kind of cold. I figured he'd outgrow these habits. His words compounded the growing fear in me because by the time he was three he would tell me how he was going to kill himself whenever he felt bad about something he'd done that I got angry about. He's now five and a half and none of this has gone away.

Naturally people are eager to reassure you that this is normal. And it seems that plenty of kids go through these kinds of phases and pass through them, and yours will hopefully be one of them. I agree with those that suggest you continue to show your son more positive ways to direct his frustration/anger, I have continued to do this myself. But I have personally come to a point now where I know, my gut knows, that my son's behavior is not normal, and if I don't address it, he could go down paths that I have tread before him, which would break my heart.

While I am not in a rush to do this, my husband and I have decided to seek the help of a child psychologist in the near future to help my son, and us, learn some stronger tools to address his self-punishing behaviors before he becomes a teen keeping his feelings to himeself. (And yes, he does also lash out at others sometimes, though he did that way more often when he was younger).

I just want to say that your son is still quite young, and maybe he will grow out of these tendencies, so just keep your eye on him, keep giving him alternative ways to deal with his feelings, but please, if in a few years he's still behaving like this and you still feel concerned, don't be afraid to seek some professional help.