so much to say and yet so hard to get saying

All this silence might give you the impression that I've sunk deep into the motherhood vortex. I could give you that impression if I wanted to but that would be a big, fat lie because Henry is as easy as pie or the multiplication tables or staying in the shower for just five more blissful minutes. He sleeps with champion precision while I nurse with the same excellence. It is a calm and tearless dance at the moment. No corner of our twelve day relationship is wrought with tension or even fear. We are happy.

Eli,our lovely, indulged first-born, is not as happy. He's in a bit of a funk. Happy and sad. Hitting and hugging. Banging and patting. Groaning and pointing. Kicking and flailing. Throwing and splashing. And ignoring me almost entirely so much so that Joe is now Mama. I am Eli's sloppiest seconds. So sloppy that I don't even get a name anymore. I have cried about it lots. It hurts my feelings and worse it hurts that I'm hurting his feelings. I know he won't remember this and that he won't remember life without Henry but I may always remember the first time he turned to Joe instead of me when he got hurt or needed a moment of cuddles. My memory is wretched enough that I just might could forget in due time. But for now there are tears upon tears. I know what you're going to say. Hormones. Yes, you're right, the hormones do rage.

Amidst the carnival of tears and poop and breastfeeding and tantrums, Joe pulled the plug on Eli. The binky has been retired. Done and done. I wouldn't have done it now because of all the turmoil and for other selfish reasons like I don't have any anything that trumps the binky. It's my final card. The grand master cork. It's sure to always soothe and silence and return peace to my heart. And so truth is that I was addicted to the binky. Of course, I said I'd NEVER do the binky because it's not cool or good or down with the mothering techniques of the moment. But I did give in with Eli. The first time they carted him into my hospital  room with a package of unopened binkies in his bassinet in fact. The moment he cried, I plugged him up. The crying caused visceral panic in me then and it seemed like there was absolutely  no alternative. All that seems impatient and humorous now. The crying doesn't get me nearly as much this go round. Also Henry doesn't really cry so I am allowed to be preachy and wise. Karma is sure to kick me in the buttocks presently. And mountains of props to Joe for pulling that plug. It seems clear now with how easy Eli gave it up that I was more attached than our boy to that perfect rubber sucker.

Thanks to each of you for all your kind words and thoughts. You do me real good. I am percolating on the birth story. It's not the story that I imagined so I'm less connected to it than I had hoped to be. I need to put words to it so go ahead and hold me to it. I double dog dare you.

Also here are our boys showing off all their mad skills. Dig in.

Comments

[Sarcasmoom]

That was so adorable. Eli is just about the same age as my grandson and I see many similarities in them. It's a good thing we have our children when we are young, so we have the energy to keep up with them. I am sure everyone has told you not to worry about Eli turning to Joe. This phase will pass in a bit and you will be numero uno again.

[Melody]

Ohh Meredith, your two boys are truly beautiful boys. Oooo you've gone and made me so bloody clucky!

Eli will make a fine big brother, he is just adjusting to having someone else in the house who depends on you more so than what he does. He'll get there. And so will you.

Shower them both with love and give them kisses from their two Aussie mates (that's Monet and I)! Thinking of you all! Well done.

[Mrs. S]

HA! You didn't make ME clucky... of course, I'm already more than half done my first pregnancy, so that might have something to do with it. You did make me wish that four months would pass a LOT faster, though... except, Henry looks kinda big and whoa... now I'm scared.

They ARE gorgeous, though - you all sounds so happy and the boys look so happy in the video. I'm sure Eli will forgive and forget soon enough, just try not to let the hormones beat you up about it in the meantime. *hugs!*

[Marie]

How wonderful that Henry's a champion sleeper & nurser! Beautiful. As is that video. Just precious.... gorgeous boys they are. Sarcasmom's right.. you'll be #1 again before long. Though good that there are two of you! Tell your story when you're ready -- we'll still be here.

[Old Horsetail Snake]

Golly, it hasn't been that long that Eli was a baby. I hope he loves his brother muchly, and you get all the props you need -- and then some more.

[Raehan]

Ah, Meredith. Such a great post and a wonderful video.

Glad to know you are happy. Eli's sudden preference for Joe is just a defense mechanism. He's doing what he needs to do. He'll be back.

: )

Missed you!

[LadyBug Crossing]

They are both adorable.
I love the foot on the baby! That's just too funny!
LBC

[jess]

Congratulations! Love the video.

[Elizabeth]

oh thank you for sharing such BEAUTIFUL boys!!! My god, woman!! You have brought such beautiful boys into the world.

[mama-beans]

Lurker here... my daughter is 20 months older then my newborn son.. and I too cried for hours when she turned to dad for comfort that first time. She ALWAYS comes to me! But that day, she didn't want me.. she wanted him.
She still comes to me, but now, 50% of the time, she is going to daddy for that emotional support she needs. I feel the gap between us like a physical barrier. Some day we'll get past it, but right now it just bites. She has been my best friend for 20 months.. I could always count on a cuddle and snuggle from her. Now.. not so much. I SO understand what you're saying!

[tina]

hi, all!

Congrats!!

And oh, Eli! You're still the first born... rank has it's place. You'll see, why-- just ask Daddy!
Hugs to all from N.E. Pa. !!

[raehan]

Even if it's hard, can you do more sayin'?

[Heidi]

Hey, lady. Just checking in to see how things are going in your world. I hope all is well! I'm thinking of you! Just think...with each breast feeding you are one step closer to running and smoking the best cigarette ever! I wish I could be there to see it.