an ode to my treadmill

Because I remember close to nothing I rely on mnemonic devices and  lists on various post-it notes and a calendar to get me through a day. I manage to stay afloat of life in this rickety fashion. The calendar let me know about my upcoming six-week post-partum exam last week. I thought of questions to ask the doctor and then turned them into a snappy mnemonic device. That turned out be be NBC. Easy to remember. N was for the numb stretch across the c-section incision and BC were for birth control. Easy, easy. With the double stroller I clambered my way through doors and elevators in time for the appointment and NBC at hand.

I did get some answers. Numbness is normal. Birth control is ordered. Oh and I also sobbed because the doctor asked me how I was REALLY doing. You know how a question can catch you off-guard and unleash your everything in one helluva heap. Two hours and a pile of soiled tissues later I left with a prescription for an anti-depressant, an afternoon date with a therapist and a diagnosis of Post-partum Depression.

Maybe I do need the drugs and the counseling. But then maybe not. I think I'd be diagnosed with some brand of depression on a good day. I'm not and won't likely ever be the sunniest girl in the room.

Two weeks later:

So, yeah, here I am with two weeks of Zoloft coursing through my veins. I took the pills because I was curious about the results more than I needed the results. I am sure of this two weeks post-in-the-doctor's-office-meltdown. I thought perhaps that with the pills I'd reach some delirious plane of peace and love where belly laughs reigned supreme. Or better yet I'd have 4WD with the feeling of nature and the sense of urban, having a wide range of activities as daily space. Not so much though. I'm still Meredith. The only notable differences have been a persistent headache and, um, very little interest in getting it on.

I shall cease with the medical experiments STAT and whip my ass into shape because it is the exercise that seems to cure me most. Always and foremost.

Comments

[raehan]

I'm so sorry, Mere. I hope the treadmill does the trick.

I'm sure more sleep would help, too.

And more writing?

[raehan]

And did I say it gets easier?

I wish I could make it all better for you now.

[Mrs. S]

They put me on Zoloft when I was younger, and I found that rather than actually make things 'miraculously better' it merely took away almost all emotion and made me numb all the time. I also gave it up as soon as I could and found other ways to cope.

I'm sure you're on the right track, you just need to cut yourself some slack, sweetie! And feel free to vent to all of us in blog-land for support as needed (besides, unlike Zoloft, THAT'S free!)

*hugs*

[Marie]

Ohhh... nodding and relating, Meredith...

I'm impressed that you carted both kids in for the 6-week checkup!

I agree that perhaps more blogging would help... ;-) though of course that's probably time you could use for sleep!

Hugs & lots of kleenex...

[LadyBug Crossing]

Take the time you need for you during the day. Yah, I know... okay, so take a minute or two to pee by yourself...
xo
LBC

[MommaK]

Awwww!! Poor you. That sucks. I never had PPD - just D, as you know. And the headaches that came with the meds. For me, blogging helped but I did not have an infant or two to make that next to impossible. I think your treadmill is a wonderful answer and more time on the phone with me.

Love you lots.

[Melody]

Thinking of you Meredith. Keep at it - you'll get there in the long run.
*Hugs* xx

[anne]

"I'm not and won't likely ever be the sunniest girl in the room."

I'll thumbwrestle you for cloudiest!

If there's anything I can do to help other than cheer "go treadmill" (although you're SO WRONG, experience says it's an exercise bike that will fix you up right, but okay)-- let me know. I'll even do one of those horrific support things where we write each other how good we were all day with our gatorades and iPods.

[carrie]

m.
give your hormones a chance to even out a little bit and just keep on keepin' on. zoloft made me the world's biggest bitch and the week i was on it is down in my book as one of my most messed up! i know this may make you think "yeah, whatever, like i can do that" but see if you can get even a half hour of alone time here and there. xo

[ella]

I'm in the same sort of place so sending you best wishes and hope you start to feel better soon.